My first pool

racking up swimmy wins amidst relentless anxiety

I was born way back in the day when you could not only afford to buy a house in California, but you could also somehow have a POOL. I don’t think it was my parents’ dream to live way out north in rural Red Bluff, CA, but sometimes you have to follow the work, which is maybe how 1-year-old me ended up on Branding Iron Lane, a brown-carpeted country palace that came with a sweet pool and a pool table.

I would kill for my grandmother’s hand-me-down polka-dot yard furniture.

I have the vaguest of memories of splashing around in this pool (we moved when I was 3) and also being scared of the electric bug zapper (yes, I’ve always been this jumpy). I never let myself imagine having my own pool at this point in my life; I think it would just haunt me and make me feel guilty for not using it enough (yes, I’ve always been this anxious). I love a hotel pool, a condo pool, and my funny little gym pool that I’ve been swimming at for about a year. I also love a pool in another city, though I pulled a classic runner last week when I was overwhelmed by how many people were at the local pool in my parents’ town. I paid my $4.25, put on my bathing suit, walked out onto the concrete, and immediately turned back around (yes, I’ve always been this way).

Sometimes the circumstances are not conducive to me having a chill swim, or a swim at all. I’ve also pulled this move attempting to go to parties (circle the block a few times and then just go home) and even the grocery store (too many cars in the parking lot, no can do). Basic things aren’t always the easiest. I guess maybe my own pool might suit me after all. But I’m proud to say I’ve conquered at least one swimming challenge: I don’t have any changing room anxiety, and in fact love being one of many funny little and big bodies in the sauna. Because it can be so hard, every trip to the pool feels like a huge win, sometimes so huge that I get to have a $10 frozen yogurt after.

And who’s to say I wouldn’t become like this if I had my very own pool?